Best petition ever: Boycott Kellogg’s

To: Kellogg’s Corporation

Whereas…

1) Kellogg’s is a major manufacturer of cereal and junk food products including but not limited to Frosted Flakes, Pop Tarts, Cheez-Its, Froot Loops, Keebler’s Cookies, Rice Krispies, Eggo Frozen Waffles, Famous Amos Cookies and many other products known to be a part of the diet of many marijuana using Americans

2) The Kellogg’s has profited for decades on the food tastes of marijuana using Americans with the munchies. In fact, we believe that most people over the age of twelve would not eat Kellogg’s products were they not wicked high.

3)That Kellogg’s has decided to end their relationship with Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps after pictures of him surfaced doing exactly what most Kellogg’s customers do right before enjoying a bowl of Rice Krispies mixed with Keebler Cookies with an Eggo on top.

4) That this action by Kellogg’s, while legal, is totally bogus.

5) That Kellogg’s is a big fat hypocrite, just like our parents when they found our stash under our mattress and took it and then later they sat in the living room and listened the Dark Side Of The Moon over and over and danced and laughed and I swear we smelled something.

6) That a quick Wikipedia search shows the founder of Kellogg’s – john Harvey Kellogg – was a total frickin’ weirdo who believe in putting children’s genitals in a cage to keep them from playing with themselves and also believed in yogurt enemas.

7) That seriously, just Google John Harvey Kellogg. Dude was freaky.

That the thing about yogurt enemas makes us want to hurl when we look at that box of Kellogg’s Yogos we have in the pantry.

9) That Michael Phelps should totally drop YOU dudes for your obsession with bran and fiber and masturbation and butts and stuff. You drop HIM? Dude won eight gold medals and probably didn’t stick a single one in his butt or tie it in tourniquet around his naughty bits. Dude was just trying to relax. Seriously Kellogg’s, WTF?

Given all these facts and the total disregard for your customer base and that thing with the yogurt, we the undersigned plan to BOYCOTT your products.

And we’re serious.

Even though the Pop Tarts thing will be HARD.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Click Here To Sign The Petition

Lipodiesel anyone?

At least something good comes of all the holiday gluttony.

Liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them.

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. (source: Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat)

I suppose this means you could eat crap all day, get lipo and use the fat to fuel your next trip to the drive-thru window…and you know someone will.

I assume he reviews only bottled drinks.

“Danny Brody learned almost everything he needed to know about food and drink at a very early age, at his mother’s breast.” from his bio

Do you think he gets burped by the waitron when he’s done sucking?

“The dog ate the weapon!”

“A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff’s deputies said Saturday.” (source)

A suspect has been arrested but police expect to have a difficult time proving anything since a dog ate the weapon.

That is one spunky cake!

(links NSFW)

Once upon a time, I drove by an erotic bakery every few days as I ran errands, and I was always disappointed by the windows being swathed in brown paper. It was done, no doubt, to Save The Children! from the prurient pastry. Given the brownout of the view, I always supposed that the cakes made therein would be so obscene as to scar the tender eyes of small children if they should but catch a glimpse. More Jenna Jameson, less Jessica Rabbit.

It did make for an interesting idea: pastry porn, and not the gauzy lighting, perfect DOF kind of pastry porn that’s all over the InterWebs either. Anatomically correct, politically incorrect cake! How sweet it is. Or soI thought. For you see, eventually, there was a party with one of the erotic cakes. A pair, in fact. One breast, one penis.

The penis was oddly of the big old bone variety. (Can we call that a Bourd-on?) I could have cut the cake freehand, the shape was so crude, and the toasted coconut made me think of salt-and-pepper pubic hair – probably not the image they were going for.

The breast was just…weird. And sad. A single disembodied half-Honeydew of a breast. With an erect nipple. The person who cut the breast cake was squeamish about slicing into the ‘nipple’ so they sliced up to it, cutting an oddly angled wedge. This started a trend so by halfway through the party, there was a jaunty red cap on an ever shrinking sphere. But the weirdest thing happened. People started tweaking the nipple. They would slice a piece of cake and touch it with the knife or tap a fingertip on it and then lick their finger, as if the frosting was different somehow. It was kind of creepy.

There was no good way to cut the penis cake.

Late in the evening, when there was only a breast wedge, a little penis and one ball, someone eficiently slid the contents of one plate onto the other to make space for something else on the table. It looked like the mockup for a cheap horror movie gone wrong. Or a coed bachelorette party on the weekend before Halloween.

But the cakes were a disappointment. They looked cheesy, a low-quality cartoon version of an erotic cake. Molds that lacked detail, skintones that weren’t, and no sign of effort. There was no art. Just crass, cheap commercialism. A kind of “where else are you going to go” marketing. Sad. Tasted like boxed cake mix too.

Much like jumping a good friend on a drunked night, the fantasy was much better than the reality.

But hope springs eternal and today I am rewarded: an anatomically correct cake with good production values.

Don’t order the soup at Burger King!

Job at Burger King. About $8.00 an hour

Videocamera. $250

Celebrating your birthday by bathing in the Burger King dish sink. Priceless.

video here

I particularly like the part where the woman goes up to the manager and asks if it’s okay for the guy to bathe in the sink. The manager says no but doesn’t do anything about it. After asking the manager back to see, which she refuses (plausible deniablity?), the woman responds “You can’t see his penis or nothing.”

Because that makes it all okay.

Site of the moment: Cake wrecks

Someone has to search the web for cakes that say “Chuck Norris dosen’t cry…” (yes, spelled like that) and I am just glad that someone is not me. Lucky for me, the folks over at Cake Wrecks have taken it upon themselves to do the digging and they have some winners. Like that Norris cake. Or the worst wedding cake ever. A truly crappy birthday cake with an oddly educational comment thread. Or the upside-down headless baby cake. Besides with captions like “Only in America can the nation’s flag be jammed up an eagle’s butt as a tribute.” how can you go wrong?

I think I would have to be semi-drunk

OMG! My eyes are burning. Which is, I suppose, better than my throat burning as I am sure it would be if I was insane enough to drink one of these: Icing on the Cake Martini

Yeah, I know it’s Aunt Sandy and I should know better but I clicked on the remote and it went there. Well, you know if it goes there, I have to go there. So I stopped, appalled at the cake that she poured TWO CUPS of jello over. TWO CUPS. I know we used to do this when we were young and stupid but two cups? TWO CUPS. The cake had to just dissolve into a acid-trip tinged watery mess when it got sliced. Ewwww!

Back to the martini. Rum. Check. Butterscotch schnapps. Check, I guess. Vanilla schnapps. Check, I guess. Half-and-half. Cheeeck. (This is an after-dinner drink, right?)

So far, I could take it. Maybe with a shot of coffee added, but I can see it. Until here.

“Garnish with a sprinkle of candy confetti.”

Nooooooo! Don’t make me do it, Aunt Sandy. Not the candy confetti.

I used to think that if you were old enough for all of that booze, you were too old for the candy sprinkles. Apparently, I am just not semi-drunk enough yet.

Rice Krispies Treats for slackers

Seriously, how lazy are people?

Rice Krispie Treats in a premade sheet. Because pretending to cook is hard.
Is it melting butter and marshmallows that has you flummoxed? Mixing it with the cereal? Spreading it in a pan? (and there you have the recipe, in three sarcastic questions, rocket science it is not)

The only possible point to Rice Krispie Treats Things is the unbridled hysteria of making them while the kids run around the kitchen, screaming and smearing melted marshmallows in each other’s hair. If you take that away, what have you left us with? Sad children, empty hands reaching for the goo that is not there.

Not to mention, almost 17 bucks for a 4 pound bag. Four pounds of Rice Krispies Treats! As the Amazon reviewer says, ‘If you can manage to actually eat one then you should get a big pat on the back.” Or a doctor.

Chicago city council v. snack moms

Just say NO to snack moms bearing illegal quantities of controlled substances like goldfish, gummi bears and raisins.

“Tiny plastic bags used to sell small quantities of heroin, crack cocaine, marijuana and other drugs would be banned in Chicago, under a crackdown advanced Tuesday by a City Council committee.

Ald. Robert Fioretti (2nd) persuaded the Health Committee to ban possession of “self-sealing plastic bags under two inches in either height or width,” after picking up 15 of the bags on a recent Sunday afternoon stroll through a West Side park.”

source: City may ban little baggies

If you are busted in possession of a snack bag, it’s a $1500 fine. So, remember kids, just say no to snacks.